Notes from the Editing Room - Chapters 2 and 3

So, I've discovered that my first draft isn't as awful as I expected. There's a lot to be fixed and I'm not looking forward to that, but rereading is actually kind of fun.

I also discovered that I am not very nice to myself. I guess I always knew my inner monologue was skewed towards the negative, but putting them into words as I read my first draft has been interesting. At least it's amusing for me, or else I'd be worried for my self-esteem. :D

• I see you briefly tried to turn Parthen into Sarah from Orphan Black when it's quite clear she's the Allison of the group.
• HEY LOOK, EXTREMELY SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!
• Did you seriously call this a "fancities shop"? Try "luxury goods emporium." Sounds far less stupid
• [space ivory] and [space martini]. I mean seriously. Use better words.
• "Her words hit me with a [space wallop]." That is a sentence you wrote, you ineloquent turnip, as is "[I ran to her, except with feelings and suspense and stuff]." I just want you to know that these lines will be tattooed across your forehead if you ever dare to think you're the next great author.

• Fun as it sounds, "designated arts and crafts person" isn't a position on a spaceship. Parthen needs an actual job.
• That lizard just turned into a monkey. Fix in rewrite by making it a bird. (yes, this makes complete sense to me. No, magic is not involved)