Sunday, December 27, 2020

Velocirapture

 Sometimes my stories come from places of great inspiration. But more often than not, I just think of a title that makes me giggle.

Hence, Velocirapture. Like the rapture. But with more velociraptors. Also, apparently late one night I texted myself the phrase "the afterlife finds a way," which I think I stole from an episode of The Cryptid Keeper podcast?

It's available to listen to or read on Cast Of Wonders!

Velocirapture is also, at least in my heart, known as Armageddon… But With Dinosaurs. Yes, the Bruce Willis movie. Yes, my dinosaurs are trying to kill the asteroid that causes their extinction.

They are also gay and the love interest is trans, and the father character is kind of John Lithgow from Footloose. If he was a dinosaur who wanted dinosaurs to go extinct. Because this is a teenage rebellion story.

Look y’all. You knew what you were getting into when you saw my name on this story. Dinosaurs, Jurassic Park references, plot points borrowed from totally unrelated movies…


Things I would like to note about this story:

* no, technically they are not velociraptors. I am well aware that I'm taking a Jurassic Park approach to labeling things velociraptors. But they evolved from them, and that is what they call themselves.

* do I reference Ian Malcolm‘s "god creates dinosaurs, god kills dinosaurs…" speech from Jurassic Park? Yes I do. In the same paragraph I reference "life finds a way."

* and then I mention chaos.

* I just really like Ian Malcolm, okay?

* my velociraptors have feathers. And my transgirl raptor has more vibrant plumage.

* there is basically dinosaur prom because in my mind, this is an 80s movie and the main character is Molly Ringwald if she was a talking lesbian velociraptor

* did they spare any expense on dinosaur prom? No they did not. They spared NO expense.

* I may have paraphrased two different speeches from Armageddon when she is fighting with her father


So… Yeah. Do you like gay dinosaurs fighting for love and survival at dinosaur prom? Boy, do I have a story for you… https://www.castofwonders.org/2020/12/cast-of-wonders-440-velocirapture/

Wednesday, December 23, 2020

Free Christmas Reprint: Another Unnecessary Reimagining Of A Christmas Carol (Except This One's Queer)

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, happy Honda days (my dad was a used car salesman), and a very happy end of December to everyone.

Today I am giving you this free story, originally published last year in Gay Apparel, an anthology edited by Rachel Sharp. This anthology is not available for purchase on any website. Rather, each author chose a charity, and if you give us proof of a donation of any amount to our charity of choice, we give you the e-book.

I'm giving my story out for free this year because I think it's cute and I want people to read it. But I also hope it will leave a few of you wanting more LGBTQIA holiday stories.

My charity of choice is The Autistic Self Advocacy Network: https://autisticadvocacy.org/

Officially, I am not autistic. But officially, testing is biased against people, especially people raised as girls, who cannot "prove" they were autistic as children. My school didn't test me, they didn't keep records. I strongly believe I am autistic, so do a lot of people who know me, including mental health professionals. And a lot of autistic charities aren't actually trying to help us, they are trying to make us "normal," so we don't bother people by existing.

ASAN is actually run by autistic people, and they want us to thrive as we are, not just fit in and be "normal."

So if you want to read the rest of the book, donate to my charity and send me a screenshot, or find one of the other authors and do the same for their charity (some of them can be found on Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/49151840-gay-apparel).


I hope you enjoy my queer little Christmas story.

(content warnings: homophobia and transphobia mentioned)


 Another Unnecessary Reimagining of A Christmas Carol (Except This One‘s Queer)

Jennifer Lee Rossman


Try as I might, I can’t get my boss to make me work on Christmas. Says the holidays are for family. Tradition.

Tradition. Right. Snow-dusted garlands of greenery, red bows, gas lamps and gas lighting and horse-drawn carriages and my great aunt asking if I’m still a lesbian (yes).

So on Christmas Eve, I’m one of 37 billion people storming the mall for that last cable knit sweater, that hot new toy that will be collecting dust in a month. I try to avoid the incessant bell ringers with the red kettles, but people look down on you when you don’t give to the poor. Even if their charity discriminates.

Societal pressure forces my spare change into that kettle. Every clank echoes in my mind.

When I get home, I collapse into bed. 

Look, I’m going to spare you the explanation of the three time-traveling ghosts. This story has been told so many times, by Muppets and Flintstones and Doctor Who (but not the pretty girl one). You know the deal.


***


The first ghost… Not gonna lie, he looks like Freddie Mercury. He takes me to my childhood, back when “gay apparel“ meant velvet dresses and uncomfortable shoes, not denim and flannel.

Dad stressing about the turkey being dry, mom stressing that the angel isn’t straight enough (she was straighter than me, mom). Everything must be perfect. The house must look like a Thomas Kincaid painting. If anything is remotely wrong, everything is ruined.

And this is the Christmas my sister ruined it all. Of course, we were still calling her my brother back then.

Some of my family still does (yay, tradition).


***


Ghost number two. The present. Sort of looks like a Cher drag queen. Gotta love my imagination.

My childhood home. The turkey is still dry, but dad isn’t around to care so everyone else has to worry about it for him. The angel still isn’t straight (she’ll never be straight, mom). Grandma and my great aunt Lydia take down my sister‘s stocking and put up the one from when we were kids. The one with her deadname on it.

Because tradition. I guess.


***


And finally, the future. The third ghost should be wearing a mysterious cloak, but she looks like Wanda Sykes, because screw tradition.

I’m hosting my first Christmas in my new house. My wife―mom still calls her my roommate, but she didn’t come to our wedding, so maybe she didn’t realize were married―is in charge of stressing about the dry turkey. I’m the one trying to straighten out the angel (conversion therapy didn’t work on me, but I guess it’s worth a shot) because everything has to be perfect.

Traditional.

I would have put my sister‘s new stocking up, the one with her real name on it, but she doesn’t come around anymore. It was something my mom said years back that I didn’t call her out on, because I didn’t want to shake the snow globe and have glitter fall on our attempt at a perfect Christmas, as described by Charles Dickens (more like Charles Dickhead).

Why are we letting some dead white guy tell us what a perfect Christmas looks like, anyway?


***


Christmas morning. For real this time.

I get out of bed, throw on my gayest apparel. I’m talking Chuck Taylors, cuffed jeans, and a flannel jacket over a shirt that says “ho ho homo.”

I hop in my Subaru, drive down to the nearest LGBT youth center, and give them everything I can spare. Then I go to the deli, get some turkey sandwiches (nice and juicy). I don’t know where to get a gay angel on such short notice, so I go to Kinko’s and print out a picture of Crowley and Aziraphale from Good Omens. It might not be perfect, but it’s going to be good enough.

Then I head to my sister’s to make some new traditions.

Episode 51: Earth

In 2016, I wrote a story. I submitted it three times in late 2016, and three times it was rejected. And I gave up on it because, even though this was my first year of trying to be a successful author person and I still clung to some very bad stories that really should have been rewritten or abandoned, I realized it was just… not good.

It was called Creatures Of Earth, and it was about alien documentary filmmakers who came to earth and gently made fun of a human they abducted. There was no real story. There was an attempt, with the human being angry at her fiancé right before the wedding, but it had nothing to do with the rest of the story. It was not as funny as I thought it was.

So it was rightfully abandoned. Then along comes 2020, and an anthology call about humans and aliens, and about how humans are the weird ones in the galaxy.

Instantly, I remembered Creatures Of Earth. It couldn't possibly be as bad as I thought. Maybe I could tweak it a little bit… except no. It was not fixable. But the idea had merit. So I rewrote it, four years after I wrote it the first time.

It is still about alien filmmakers Dominic and Frank, coming to earth to film the wildlife. And it is still about angry, drunk human Teagan, feuding with her fiancée right before her wedding. But it's more now.

Now it's about two species finding common ground. Two individuals from across the galaxy with nothing in common except the fact that they just pissed off the person they love most in the universe, sharing a moment of connection and understanding.

It's also about gay aliens, the importance of having an omniscient narrator, and the difficulties one faces when trying to hire necromancers on the weekend. But… but mostly the other things.

I love the story because, aside from being a nice story, it shows how far I've come personally in the last four years.








Tuesday, December 8, 2020

Mari Lwyd — Free Story Reprint

 It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, and you know what that means… (Say it with me, folks)

Terrifying ghostly Welsh horse skull!

…You didn't say it with me.

Anyway. The Mari Lwyd is a Welsh tradition in which a ghostly horse skull knocks on your door and if you can beat it in a singing competition, it goes away. Otherwise, you need to feed it.

Yes really. This is a thing they do. It is weird and I love it.

So naturally, I wrote a horror story about it. It was originally published in 2018 as part of Neon Druid anthology, and I'm offering it here to you for free as an early Christmas present.

So enjoy, but quietly, lest the ghost horse hear you…


Mari Lwyd

By Jennifer Lee Rossman

We hear the bells first. Merry little jingles not unlike those on the merchants' carts, so far off and so faint that on any other night I would almost dare to mistake them for ringing in my ears.

But the stockings have been emptied, the turkey dinner reduced to soup bones, and we've all gone to Mass and filled our souls with holy superstition in preparation for tonight. It can only be the horse.

Dim light still fights its way through the heavy curtains. It's come early this year.

My sisters and I, frozen in place by the sound, share a look of horror, each of them no doubt sharing my hope that we'd imagined it all. That it was just some game our parents played along with, like Father Christmas. Then, in unison, we launch into action, our childhood duties surging back like muscle memory.

I race to snuff out the candles and douse the fireplace, running water over rags to dampen the smoke. Ffion goes to secure the doors and windows; a table scrapes against the floor as she blocks the kitchen door that never did latch quite right. And Alys is in the pantry grabbing the food and drink, along with Daddy's shotgun. It won't do her any good against something that isn't alive, but you try telling her that. The thing's been her security blanket since he taught her to shoot when she was seven.

We move with the practiced precision of a drill team, no footstep or second wasted, and it's only once we're locked inside in the near-darkness that I meet the children's eyes.

They look up at us from the floor where they were playing a board game. My little girl Serena, Ffiion's son Luca, and Alys's boyfriend Harry. He might not be a child, but he's young and clueless and scared, so he's as much a liability as the kids are tonight.

Oh, Lord. I don't want Serena to grow up with this terror. Subconsciously, I think it's why I never brought her to see where I'd grown up until both my parents diedso they wouldn't goad the neighbors into playing Mari Lwyd again and scaring the living daylights out of her. But maybe they weren't playing.

I kneel on the floor beside the kids and hold my finger to my lips.

The bells grow louder, closer.

"Do you hear that?" I whisper, remembering the way Mum used to tell the stories. Like they were scripture, something to be awed and revered as much as feared. "That's the Mari Lwyd, and it's coming."

Luca looks to Ffion uncertainly as she goes to tape the curtains closed. "Mom?"

"Stay with your Auntie Caron," Ffion hisses.

Harry does the same with Alys as she drags a chair over to the front door and sits, gun at the ready. "Honey? What the hell's going on?"

Alys reminds me of Daddy when she grunts, "It's Christmas."

"The Mari Lwyd," I continue, taking Sarena in my arms as her inexpressible confusion turns to tears in that unique toddler way, "comes calling every Christmas. If it hears you, if it even hears your heartbeat, it sings at you, and you have to sing back. You have to sing better, cleverer songs, or it'll get angry and come in."

Luca's eyes are wide as the baubles on the tree. "What happens when it comes in?"

Alys checks the food beside her. It looks like everything from the pantry, but I know in my heart it won't be enough of an offering.

I look to Ffion to continue the story. She's the oldest, the only one who was born the last time the Mari Lwyd came in. When we were kids, she told us she remembered it, but how much of it was real and how much was invented memories is anyone's guess. I'm not so sure she even knows.

A long moment passes before Ffion says, "I wasn't always the eldest Bowen sister."

This sets off a flurry of questions and hushed shouts.

"Shut up; it'll hear!" The volume of my command startles even me, and I hold my breath in the abrupt silence that follows, my ears pounding as I strain to listen.

Footsteps. Not hoofbeats, but hard-soled shoes clomping softly on the cobblestones. Its gait is that of a human, the better to lull you into a false sense of security.

There's no way to tell how far away it is. The steps sound like they're right outside, but the bells still sound a ways off. I remember Mum telling us it's a trickster, that it throws its sound to throw us off.

Ffion comes to sit with me and the kids, treading lightly and avoiding the floorboards that squeak. She pulls her son onto her lap and holds him tight like Mum used to hold us on Christmas. I don't remember Mum ever looking so afraid.

This isn't right. We're the adults now. We're the ones putting presents in their stocking and drinking the milk they leave out. We're supposed to be the ones jingling the bells tonight, too.

We were supposed to inherit the mantle of Mari Lwyd just we became Father Christmas. I never thought we'd still be cowering in the dark, afraid to breathe like we did when we were small.

A shadow encroaches on the curtain, the sharp silhouette of a horse's head. I turn Serena away, but my eyes are locked onto it.

The stories say it's not the entire head, just a bleached skull. They say it has unblinking, glass eyes that see into your soul. I don't know if they're right; I've been lucky enough to only see the shadow, but Ffion tenses beside me, remembering.

The bells are louder now, so loud I can't hear myself think, and underneath them is the sound of footsteps and rattling bones. I slide my hand up to cover Serena's mouth, praying she won't cry out.

I don't remember when I started holding my breath. My lungs ache, begging for oxygen, but I don't dare give in.

The Mari Lwyd has passed the door now, its silhouette patiently marching by the second window. Almost gone. Almost to the next house. Almost

"This is so cool."

The bells stop mid-chime at Harry's whisper, plunging us into a silence so absolute it hurts, and the horse freezes in place.

No. I reach out and grab Harry's arm, digging my nails into his skin as a warning. Maybe it'll go away.

He jerks out of my grasp. "What the hell"

"Shh!" Even the kids shush him. They know this isn't something to fool around with.

The Mari Lwyd turns, stares straight through the curtains. If it had the flesh to do it, its ears would be up and alert, searching for any noise.

Harry looks at us like we're being irrational, and goes to stand up. Alys swivels in her seat and aims Daddy's shotgun at him.

She won't shoot, won't even risk the sound of pulling back the hammer, but her eyes are dark and steady. She's not about to let her family get taken by a skeletal horse, and if that means she has to threaten to murder her boyfriend, so be it. I don't blame her.

For a second, it looks like the Mari Lwyd is moving on. Then the tapping starts, slow and steady, back and forth across the front of the house though the horse head remains stationary. Something like a broom scrapes against the door in long strokes. Ffion and I huddle closer; Alys cocks the shotgun.

That, more than anything else, fills me with a sense of doom. There's no use keeping quiet anymore. It knows we're here.

Still I don't dare move, don't dare let myself cry. Mum never cried, so I can't, either. I have to stay strong for my family.

A low warbling comes from just outside the door, a song without words, without voice. The mournful whinny of the Mari Lwyd permeates the house, surrounding us until I can't discern its origin. It may be coming from the inside of my head, for all I know.

"This is ridiculous," Harry mutters, and that's the last straw.

I cling to the hope that we may still have a chance. It might not be singing at us. It might be singing at someone else's house, and will leave us alone if we can just stay quiet a little longer.

But I can't do that. I can't sit here and listen to someone tell me this isn't happening, that my childhood terrors are unfounded. I won't listen to him say smoke and mirrors are the reason I never met my big sister Efa.

"Stop it," I tell Harry, my voice shaking with the effort not to scream. "You stop right this second."

The Mari Lwyd delights in hearing us. Its bells ring louder, its song grows more insistent. The tapping at the door becomes a steady pounding, like the rattle of an epic windstorm.

It wants in.

"We need to sing at it," Alys says as the children start to cry.

We look to Ffion, whose horror I can see even in the dark. "It didn't work," she whispers. "Last time. We sang every song we knew. All the hymns, even Efa's silly skipping rhymes. It had heard them all before."

"You're going to sing at it?" Harry has to raise his voice to be heard over the chaos of the Mari Lwyd. "You think there's a demon horse out there, and your answer is to sing"

The end of his sentence is cut off when the door slams open.

The Mari Lwyd stands there on its two legs, everything from its shoes to its toothy, grinning skull shrouded in a sheet that flaps and billows in the wind. Its eyes shimmer, glassy and unblinking, as it looks over the offerings at Alys's feet.

Alys trembles, Daddy's shotgun forgotten in her hands, and I pull her away from the door. Harry reaches out to comfort her, and something inside me snaps.

I give Serena to Ffion and stand, forcefully dragging Harry along as I march up to the horse.

Its breath is hot and smells like sulfur, but I don't flinch. That's what it wants: the fear. It thrives on it, on our desperation to satisfy its demands.

Well, I'm not playing along anymore. This ends here, tonight. My children will be the last generation to cower on what should be a holy night, and I only regret that I didn't do something about it when I was their age.

"I will not sing for you." I don't know if it can hear me over the bells and screaming, but I don't raise my voice. "No one in this house will sing for you ever again, nor will we feed you."

The Mari Lwyd lowers its head, glaring at me.

"If you want a sacrifice, take this one." I gesture at Harry, who yelps. I'm not actually planning to give him to it, but I won't cry if it calls my bluff. "We're done with you terrorizing us."

With that, I grab at the sheet covering it, and yank. The Mari Lwyd gives an awful shriek, throwing its head back and letting off a burst of heat that instantly melts the snow on the front walk.

The skull drops to the ground with a clatter, coming to rest beside its shoes, and a grateful silence overtakes the town once again.

The neighbors cautiously emerge from their houses. Someone grabs the skull and hangs it on a stick, and parades it down the street. I shut the door, taking care to lock it though I hope this is the last we'll see of the Mari Lwyd, and go to hug my family. We'll be back next year for the safe Christmas we always dreamed of, and we'll have a new story to tell about the Mari Lwyd.

Monday, December 7, 2020

Loaners

 Early this year, I got my first library card. My own, not my mother's, from the big fancy Broome County Library. Don't get me wrong, I love the library I grew up in, Huntington Memorial back home in Oneonta, but this one was just… it was a museum of books.

I couldn't wait to go and explore every few weeks.

And then the pandemic hit and I haven't been back.

The pandemic is scary and the world is scary and I don't want to write about it. But the same time, I kept thinking about that library, about the books. About how lonely they must have been with no one to read them, having no idea what was happening or if people were ever coming back.

Loaners does not directly mention the pandemic, and it could be about any large scale crisis at any point in time. There's no mention of the misery and chaos the pandemic has caused, except in the apocalyptic speculation of some of the books that fear humanity has gone extinct. But still, I offer a content warning: though this story is one of hope and perseverance and survival, it is very much about the worldwide pandemic I hoped would be over before this story found publication.

My stories are weird and dark sometimes, but almost always hopeful. When I wrote this, I was also weird and dark but hopeful. I had hoped this story wouldn't be relevant by the time it was published. And in a way, it isn't. The world is opening up again. The library books aren't lonely anymore. But it isn't over, not even close. 

Loaners is available in Sunshine Superhighway in paperback and digital.