Writing Mistakes!

So I HAD a blog post ready for my "trying to post every Thursday" experiment, but Things Changed and it's very exciting but I can't tell you why yet. *Kermit flail*

SOOOO... I went through some old files looking for something to post and I found a file full of over four years' worth of writing mistakes. I might have posted some of these before but most are new.

All I can say is Enjoy.

　

　

Roads stood still and unmoving (That's... generally the way with roads.)

　

it was overrun with zombies, drawn by the flames like undead moths to flames made of brains

　

Nohing in life is to be feared; it is to be understood. Now is the time to fear more so that we may fear less.

　

A looming shadow loomed (No, really? We must investigate this anomaly.)

　

the bodies piled up in the doorway like snow after a death blizzard

　

I tapped my forehead to my temple (Somehow I seriously doubt that.)

　

We stood like statues, unmoving and unbreathing (Both of which are things implied by the word "statues". Gold star for you.)

　

This claim hit me like a sack of bricks thrown by a proficient thrower of brick sacks

　

My palms were slick and my heart a tapdancing frog (I distinctly remember thinking "Oh, I should reference the Warner Brothers frog in a tophat at this point in the narrative".)

　

getting trapped with no means of escape (Which is exactly what trapped means.)

　

my right butt pocket began to vibrate like a bee in a paint shaker. I tore my eyes from the heavens and reluctantly de-pocketed my phone.

　

The field lay strewn with dozens of dead little goats which had once been live little goats full of little goat dreams. Now they were little more than rutabagas in waiting. (I couldn't think of the word "fertilizer," so I wrote "rutabagas" instead.)

　

I bent down to examine the body of a caramel-colored mare or doe or... goat bitch. To be honest, I grew up on a corn farm, so there wasn't really any male/female terminology involved there. It was a lady goat with two lady goat boobies, and that was good enough for me.

　

I struck my most authoritative pose and flashed my badger.

　

a chest so muscular that it looked like a tee-shirt filled with strategically-placed vegetables

　

buying a carseat seemed an awful lot like buying a collar for a stray dog while waiting for its owner to respond to the help wanted posters. (when most people find a dog, they make found dog posters. )

　

She set the body on a sliding thing and slid him into the freezer like a Flintstone push-up pop

Editing Notes: The Editing Notes Strike Back

So I thought When You're Strange came out today, but it's actually this Friday. Come back this Friday for that, then. :)

　

Meanwhile, I have finished what I'm calling the final draft of Blue Incarnations! And you know what that means...

EDITING NOTES!

　

Gran exists. Don't let this turn into on The Walking Dead when Beth was missing and Maggie only cared about Glenn.

If Ron Funches doesn't play this character in the movie, I'm out.

"I never know when it's okay to laugh about murder-suicides." Um. Never? Also how often does this happen?

It's very important no one forgets he has a beard.

I think I named a character after a fictional turtle from a Bad Lip Reading video.

Murder and tax evasion are actually very different things.

[examples of food go here] How hard is it to think of food?

Well, I just invented candied dandelions so apparently the answer is "very."

She is no longer dressed like Star Trek Hillary Clinton! Now she's Star Trek Fern Gully!

Oh, har har, etymology is hilarious.

You're a murderer, darlin'. Stop forgetting that fact.

"Life endures." *squints* Yeah, that was definitely a Jurassic Park "life finds a way" reference in a former draft.

Honestly, this whole book kept trying to insert Jurassic Park references into itself. And Winnie the Pooh. My character continuously almost gets stuck in holes. And she loves honey. Which is a connection I hadn't made until just now.

Presented for Your Amusement

Presented for your amusement: An argument between me and my mother.

　

Me: It looks like the Goodyear butler.

Mom: The what?

Me: You know. The snooty butler from the Goodyear logo.

Mom: ...

Me: Weasel faced guy with the collar?

Mom: The Michelin Man?

(Readers, I ask you, in what world does it sound like I was describing the Michelin Man?)

Me: NO. He's a snooty yellow butler on a blue background and we drove past him on a sign all the time!

*angry Google image search*

Google:

　

Me: ...

Me: So. The snooty Goodyear butler might actually be a winged shoe.

Autocomplete is... Helpful?

Something silly to share today.

Because my arms don't work as well as they should, I type using an on-screen keyboard. As I click on letters it displays words it thinks I'm trying to type, and I can click on them to save time. In theory.

Usually I click the wrong word, and have to go back and fix it. Or I don't realize what I did and get really confused during editing. Like that time my soldiers were talking about waffles instead of warfare.

But something amazing happened last night. I clicked on the wrong word... and it was actually better than the word I was trying for!

I was trying to type

"Diana and Phyllis don't exist right now," I say, staring down at an alien body.

I think I typed an S instead of a D and just clicked the first word it offered, because I somehow ended up with

"Diana and Phyllis don't exist right now," I say, staring down at an alien bosom.

At first I was like, "Ew, no. Stop looking at your boobs, you weirdo." But my main character has had some memory... uploads and, for all intents and purposes, her brain is not her brain. The memories, for the most part, came from a guy, so from his perspective it's alien for him to suddenly be female, and it's totally reasonable that the breasts in particular are alien to him. I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever been pleased with autocomplete.

It's also the first time in my life I think I've ever used the word "bosom" (or even really talked about one?) so it's clear autocomplete doesn't know me at all. (Though it was right to replace warfare with waffles; international disputes should be more delicious.)

(And yes, it kind of sounds like she's named them Diana and Phyllis. I know. It sounds much better in context. :D )

　

Also, a reviewer on Goodreads compared Circuits & Slippers to The Lunar Chronicles books by Marissa Meyer. I know my story is only a teensy bit of the book, but I'm so excited that we're even in the same sentence as those amazing books.

More (Hopefully) Amusing Mistakes

Going through my file of mistakes that made me laugh is not an extremely productive use of my time, but it sure is fun. Here are a few more.

　

(Oh, and the ebook of Circuits & Slippers is on sale this weekend for only 99 cents! That's around 5 cents a story!)

　

This feeling of hope momentarily fluttered in her soul before dying a sudden and tragic death when the heavy double doors of the cafeteria opened with a loud, gunshot-like clang. (Many things in this world go "clang." Guns are not one of them.)

"You know that bumper sticker that says 'Friends help you move; real friends help you move bodies'? Well," Vanessa said cheerfully, "I think I may have developed a test to see how good of a kitty you are." (But she isn't a kitty!)

"I could lick it or keep it." (Or the real phrase, Take it or leave it.)

I went into a dead flop of limpness.

"So you ned a job," Ned said thoughtfully (Ned often talks about himself.)

I didn’t want to live in a VAN down by the RIVER, but yelling at me and breaking my ccooffee table wasn’t exactly the best way to motivate me. (this is the part of the story where my characters started randomly quoting Chris Farley sketches. I'm not joking.)

I screamed like a little girl again and flew down the hill like a thing that flies quickly.

That made perfect sense now that I understtood it

sheep lambs (To differentiate them from cow lambs, I presume?)

Amusing Writing Mistakes

I believe I promised to post some funny mistakes I've made during writing, and since I'm still busy writing a page every time I use the computer (haven't missed one yet!), this will make for a quick and easy post.

Some of these happened because I was writing too fast (or, during Nanowrimo, trying to catch up to the day's wordcount), others because autocorrect wanted to help, and some are the result of my brain just spitting out the completely wrong word at the wrong time. My favorites are when I try to do a metaphor and forget where I was going halfway through the sentence.


he stared deadly at the man

Nohing in life is to be feared; it is to be understood. Now is the time to fear more so that we may fear less.

A looming shadow loomed

At this point I felt the dramatic conclusion would be to profess my love for him and kiss him like married people do. (this is why I don't write romance.)

This claim hit me like a sack of bricks thrown by a proficient thrower of brick sacks

The field lay strewn with dozens of dead little goats which had once been live little goats full of little goat dreams. Now they were little more than rutabagas in waiting. (I couldn't think of the word "fertilizer," so I wrote "rutabagas" instead.)

I bent down to examine the body of a caramel-colored mare or doe or... goat bitch. To be honest, I grew up on a corn farm, so there wasn't really any male/female terminology involved there. It was a lady goat with two lady goat boobies, and that was good enough for me.

I struck my most authoritative pose and flashed my badger. (I meant "badge.")

She set the body on a sliding thing and slid him into the freezer like a Flintstone push-up pop (I really don't know how a coroner's office works.)

It was a cool day in November. Except in December. I was right the first time; it was November.

I wanted so badly to open my eyes closed

if there had been a silence, I wouldn't have been able to hear it