I also discovered that I am not very nice to myself. I guess I always knew my inner monologue was skewed towards the negative, but putting them into words as I read my first draft has been interesting. At least it's amusing for me, or else I'd be worried for my self-esteem. :D
- I see you briefly tried to turn Parthen into Sarah from Orphan Black when it's quite clear she's the Allison of the group.
- HEY LOOK, EXTREMELY SUBTLE FORESHADOWING!
- Did you seriously call this a "fancities shop"? Try "luxury goods emporium." Sounds far less stupid
- [space ivory] and [space martini]. I mean seriously. Use better words.
- "Her words hit me with a [space wallop]." That is a sentence you wrote, you ineloquent turnip, as is "[I ran to her, except with feelings and suspense and stuff]." I just want you to know that these lines will be tattooed across your forehead if you ever dare to think you're the next great author.
- Fun as it sounds, "designated arts and crafts person" isn't a position on a spaceship. Parthen needs an actual job.
- That lizard just turned into a monkey. Fix in rewrite by making it a bird. (yes, this makes complete sense to me. No, magic is not involved)